Letter 15

Dearest Peapod,

The war within me to be the best mother to you continues to wage on, and I am am uncertain as to if I am winning the battle.  Together with your father, we celebrated my first Mother's Day last weekend. You and your father served me breakfast in bed, thanked me with cards, and graciously gave me a gift certificate for a massage.  But that night, I secretly wept as I held you in my arms, longing to know if you found me as an adequate Mother.  Do I provide for you in the ways you need? Do I feed you correctly? Should I have let you sleep in your bassinet from birth rather than permit you to sleep nestled safely between your father and me? Should I have held you more? Should I have continued to attempt to nurse you?  Because of my decisons, are you as healthy as you could be? All these questions are arrows directed at the softness of my heart.  My tears flowed smoothly down my cheeks to rest atop your blanket.  I held you knowing that on that day, you were officially 5 months old.  Five months have raced by in the blink of an eye, and although you know this, I have loved you more in that five months than I have loved anything else in my life.  You have taught me to love in ways I thought not possible.  There is no greater physical love than that of a Mother to her child.  I lose so much time with you as I must work so that I can continue to give you the best material life I can, but that comes at a cost, and now, I wonder if the cost I am paying is too great.  Will I look back one day with regret for the time I could have spent with you and the price I paid to have you tell me I could have been a better mother?  You are no longer the bumblebee swarming in my belly; you are my baby bird preparing to take flight.  I hope that when the time comes, you will know I loved you more than I thought possible and realize I tried to be the best mom I could, just like my mom did for me.

I love you my sweet bird,

Mommy